quinnism1 Quinnism: Prophetic Sits and Starts

Let’s face it: fantasy football may be more important than sex, your job, and extended family, but it’s not the only thing you’ve got going on in your life.[1] So while Quinnism is founded on the principles and values of fantasy footbal[2] I, Quinn Almighty, cares about the lesser parts of your lives as well, and consequently, from now on, I will begin each column by blessing you with a taste of my great wisdom in secondary matters[3] before moving on to the truly essential matter: who to start and who to sit.


[1] More’s the pity.

[2]Focus, Preparation, Fair play, Determination, Domination, and Beef Jerkey.

[3] E.g., God, country, family, friends, wealth, education, professional development, personal development, baking, carpentry, plumbing, social advancement, medicine, cancer research, astrophysics, paleontology, dentistry, forestry, animal husbandry, Viagra, etc…

                                                   

Lesson 372: Communicating With the Pregnant

From The Book of Quinn, prologue to chapter thirty-seven, “Wives and Children, Roaches and Ticks, and Other distractions and Parasites”  

“In the alternate universe of pregnancy,[4] words are devious little bastards whose sole purpose is to lull fathers-to-be into a false sense of security based on the premise that they have an idea of what their wives want because they listen when their wives talk. Realizing this, I went out and bought a book on non-verbal communication (Joe Navarro’s What Every Body Says). Needless to say, the world looks a lot different when you realize your wife’s words are insidious bastards working assiduously to fry your ass (completely independently of your wife’s intentions); you have to learn a whole new way of attending to and interpreting everything, which is a matter of developing entirely new habits, and thus, exhausting. As part of my efforts, I’ve taken to reconstructing my interactions with my wife in a notebook (think of it like an athlete watching game tape in order to get better). Here’s an example (Analysis in brackets):


[4] Henceforth to be known as AUP.

                                        

Wifee: Why do you keep looking at me? Is there going to be alot of looking? I don’t like it when you look at me!

[Her arms are crossed across her chest, which Navarro says is a bad sign, but her legs are bouncing like mad under the covers, and Navarro says that this (“happy feet”), is an emphatic sign that she’s very pleased with what she’s just seen/heard. Faced with this contradiction, it’s time for some math: arms crossed = Y, happy feet = X, given that X > Y, I conclude that she likes my attention]

Me: But you’re so beautiful–

Wife: I am not! (Pulls covers over head.)

[This gives me pause. Her eyes were narrowed, her arms crossed even tighter than before, and her jaw was thrust forward, but Navarro says that the face is the most dishonest part of the human body because society teaches us to hide our true feelings, meanwhile, the feet, because they are directly tied into the limbic system, are the most honest, and her feet are bouncing, which I know means she likes the attention, so I move in for some snuggles, laying on her on top of the covers.]

Wife: IRRRCAN’TRRGHBREATR…

[I can’t make out what she’s saying through the covers, but since her words are lying bastards, that’s a good thing: I won’t be mislead. I lay on her for a while, stroking her back (I think) through the covers until she stops moving or saying anything, which I interpret to mean she’s asleep because she’s been sleeping 22 hours a day since she got pregnant. After a while, I get up to go to the bathroom, confident that I’m getting the hang of communicating in the AUP.]”

Here ends the lesson. May you absorb the entirety of the wisdom bestowed upon you, and richly prosper.

***

Back to football:

The Tampa Mike Williams Effect 

One of my erstwhile followers came to me last night, weeping over Shady McCoy—“He’s done for!” the man sobbed, “I traded two first and a second for an RB2!”

I did my best to calm the man to no avail.

“Alfred Morris and Stephen Ridley have scored more points than Shady! The Iggles offense has moved on— Shady’s an afterthought.”

The man raved, turning purple, pulling at his hair and slinging bits of frothy white spittle to and fro as he shook. It was time to act: I raised my hands to the heaven. A beam of light split the night asunder and I began to ascend while a great golden book containing all the football stats the have been and will ever be descended into my hands.

“Fear not, Jeff![5] Shady’s numbers are nearly identical to those from last year, save for his touchdowns.”

Jeff’s mascara ran as tears of joy streamed down his face, “Oh, thank Go— I mean, thank you!”[6],[7]

Rejoice with Jeff, share his joy, and then extrapolate and learn, Quinnians! Make sure that you’ve considered the Tampa Mike Williams effect when you trade for a player. Is the player’s point total inflated by a crazy-lucky run of TD receptions?[8] If so, adjust his value and/or your expectations downward. TDs are unpredictable. Why do I love Mr. Matt Forte? Because he gets his without relying on scoring TDs. Michael Bush can vulture all he wants.

***

It might not be fair to say that Shady McCoy let us down, but there’re plenty of players that have. Here’s my 2012 “All-Aleve”[9] team:


[5] He was wearing a fabulous spaghetti-strap dress by Vera Wang.

[6] Jeff may or may not have actually said this, but if I learned anything from the last presidential debates (other than that Obama is addicted to Ambian), it’s that there’s absolutely no reason to feel constrained by reality or the truth when you speak publically. Say what you want: Jeff fantasizes about Teletubbies and Rainbow Brite. Is it true?  Who cares.

[7] You have to ask yourself, though: would I really admit Jeff into the ranks of the saintly Quinnians?

[8] Tampa Mike was a stud in 2010, and then he stopped working out, got fat, and ran crappy routes in 2011 and became a dud, right? Wrong. He had 65 receptions both years. So why did his point totals drop from 233 to 166? Because his insane luck changed, and his TDs dropped from 11 to 3.

[9] I’m not allowed to make references to illicit drugs, but theoretically, it’s possible that some of us may have been driven to something stronger by these godless-child-eating-Communist-terrorist-slackers.

                                                           

QB

Matt Stafford

The 22nd best fantasy QB? Really?

Backup: Tony Romo. He’s the 28th best QB in fantasy football. Wasn’t he supposed to take the Boys to the Super Bowl this year?

RB

Chris Johnson

Holy $***! he’s awful.

Ryan Mathews

Looks like he’s turning it around, but Mathews owners expected an RB1

Backup: Darren McFadden, the 21st best RB in fantasy football.

WR

Steve Smith

The 30th best WR? Really?

Calvin Johnson

I took you in the first round, and you’re the 15th best WR?

DeSean Jackson

#22? You got your fat contract, now effing do something!

Backup: Stevie Johnson. 28th? WTF?!?

TE

Antonio Gates

The 29th best TE in fantasy football. Whoopie.

Backup: Jermichael Finley. Repping hard at #17.

LB

Donald Butler

29 is the new… forget it.

Pat Angerer

Hard to score if you can’t get on the field.

Karlos Dansby

I expected more.

Backup: Nick Barnett

***

            Now for the Start ‘em/Sit ‘em![10]

 


[10] My newer readers should note that my column focuses on looking for options beyond the obvious starts (e.g., Aaron Rogers, Arian Foster, Victor Cruz). My theory is that people don’t need to be told to start Ray Rice, but that they might appreciate a little help deciding who to play as a bye-week replacement and/or which player to target with a waiver wire snatch.

                                                   

QB 

Start

Brady Quinn

The Tampa pass defense is a mess, they’re getting owned by QBs.

Rating: 2 Jeffs

Kevin Kolb

            I’m using the same strategy I employ when I eat brussel sprouts: get it over as quickly as possible. Hence my stringing the guys it pains me to recommend together and listing them first. Buffalo can’t stop the pass.

Rating: 2 Jeffs 

RG3

If he plays, Griffin and the Redskins are facing the purple people, a.k.a., the NFC northern mirage, a.k.a., the mistake near many lakes, who lead the league in getting bag-tagged by QBs.

Rating: 3.5 Jeffs

Alex Smith

            I’m tripling down on the semi-eternal disappointment[11] as he’s playing the 3rd most generous defense to QBs (Giants). Also, he still doesn’t wear lipstick or dresses.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Christian Ponder

            Another repeat. Washington is only slighter better at stopping QBs than Minnesota is. AND THEY’RE PLAYING EACH OTHER! If I lose to Ponder again, I’m kicking Jeff’s dog.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Peyton Manning

            San Diego is getting beat like Tina[12] by QBs.

Rating: 3.5 Jeffs

Michael Vick

            Too much talent to keep on the bench, especially with the Lions in town.

Rating: 3 Jeffs (4 minus 1 due to the possibility that Suh snaps Vick’s skinny legs over his knee.)


[11] 303 yards and 3 TDs earned him a promotion from “eternal disappointment” to “semi-eternal disappointment.”

[12] I’m not making light of spousal abuse! Dammit, if you’re abusing anyone other than Jeff, it’s not okay!

                                                 

Sit 

Tony Romo

It’s the Boys vs the Ravens. One team has an o-line that leaks more than my 16 year-old dog, and the other has a linebacker that stood trial for murder.

Tom Brady

            DON’T REALLY SIT HIM!!! This message is for one of those jack-wagons who gets to choose between Brady and Matt Ryan every week. Seattle is the 4th stingiest team in the NFL when it comes to allowing QBs to score.

Ryan Fitzpatrick

This is his second brutal matchup in a row. The Cardinals are the 8th best team when it comes to shutting QBs down.

 

RB

Start

Jamal Charles

Playing Tampa is the RB equivalent of Tommy Lee finding the Narcotics division’s evidence locker open and a nude tattoo artist inside.[13]

Rating: 4 Jeffs


[13] It’s also a bit like Jeff being given free-reign at Saks.

                                                  

Rashard Mendenhall

            Tennessee gives up the 3rd most points to RBs in the NFL.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

LaRod Stephens-Howling

            There’s no one else. Literally. And with Buffalo, there’s very little resistance.

Rating: 2 Jeffs

Doug Martin

            The Chiefs are only slightly better than Buffalo at stopping the run.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Sit 

Ahmad Bradshaw

            The 49ers.

Cedric Benson

            Houston’s going to shut him down.

Chris Johnson

            He got back to “suck” pretty quick, and he plays the second best run defense in the league (fantasy-wise).

Darren McFadden

He’s not right, the team is struggling, and Atlanta’s run defense is stout.

Stephen Jackson

            SJAX is dealing with some nagging injuries, the Dolphins run defense plays more like sharks, and there aren’t a whole lot of reasons why they shouldn’t stack the box.

 

!!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION !!!

You shouldn’t necessarily sit the following guys, but they face top ten run defenses, so if you have an alternative… Marshawn Lynch, Mikel LeShoure, Steven Ridley, Alfred Morris, and C.J. Spiller.

WR

Start

Sidney Rice

            The Pats are patsies when it comes to stopping WRs.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Pierre Garcon

            He’ll be a must-start WR1 when he gets healthy. Plus, the purple people’s pass defense outdoes my wife’s hair dryer.

Rating: 3.5 Jeffs.

Jeremy Maclin

            Maclin had 8 targets in week 5, and he’s playing the Lions who give up to WRs like they don’t have a choice.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Marquis Colston

            He was targeted 18 times in week 5 alone.

Rating: 3.5 Jeffs

Brian Hartline

            He’s received 33 targets in the last three weeks alone.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Sit

Kenny Britt

            Not against the Steelers

Vincent Jackson

            The Chiefs play the pass well, and the Bucs offense is so dull that doctors have started playing tapes of Bucs games to insomniac patients that don’t respond to hard drugs.

Jordy Nelson

The Packer offense is struggling to get on track, and Houston has the 4th best defense against WRs in the league. 

TE

Start

Kyle Rudolph

           He’s received the 7th most targets amongst TEs, AND playing Washington this week! Feed the beast.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Fred Davis

            Get ready for a big day.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Owen Daniels

            He’s been hot than Scarlett Johansen in vinyl, and Houston is playing the Wisconsin Degenerates this week, who ar really nice to TEs.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Sit

Brandon Pettigrew

            Philly is unkind to TEs.

Scott Chandler

            Arizona: the 3rd toughest defense for TEs to score against.

Martellus Bennett

            San Francisco.

Jared Cook

            Pittsburgh is going to thrash Tennessee.