horse 450x358 Start/Sit Week 5: Back On the Horse

I promised Mr. Myers to make this column into the Fantasy Footballer’s I Ching. I told him to envision cash pouring in as my readers chanted his name, euphoric from hoisting their league’s championship trophy, their voices hoarse from taunting their annihilated rivals.

“We’ll get a gajillion hits a day,” I said, “The company’s stock will soar– you’ll be the world’s first fantasy football-made billionaire!”

In my head I saw shrines being erected by grateful fantasy football managers in my honor, and my readers making me the godhead of their new religion, Quinnism. Word would get out within a week—I knew it—I’d be a fantasy football god! No serious manager would even consider submitting a lineup prior to consulting my column.

I swore an oath to Mr. Myers: “I’ll bring Dynasty Football Warehouse fame and fortune!”

I did painstaking research, read and thought, wrote down my thoughts, read the thoughts I’d written down, thought about the thoughts I’d written down and read, thought  some more, then wrote my column. I submitted it, hands trembling, to Mr. Heins.

THIS WAS IT! The column was awesome! DFW’d get rich, I’d get famous.

They printed it.

I waited for the recognition I knew was inevitable.[1]

Hours came and went. Suddenly it was Sunday. Lineups were set, the games started. I was in shock: there was no adulation, no shrine-erecting or god-making; my column inspired only four comments![2]

Quinnism was dead before it was born.

I drowned my sorrows in Milwaukee’s Best and Costco’s Kirkland Bourbon Monday night, kept from leaping to my death only by the fact that my Bears were donkey punching America’s team in the junk. I wept. Then, without warning—somewhere between Romo’s sixteenth and seventeenth interception— I had an epiphany: I’m being a giant Wuss!

I sucked it up immediately.[3]

Being a guru is hard, I realized, but it’s supposed to be hard. I couldn’t expect to be an infallible god right away— if it were that easy, everyone would be a god and fantasy footballers wouldn’t need me. Moses and his Israelites wandered through the desert for forty years before they hit the Promised Land, Jesus didn’t begin his ministry until he was thirty-two, Gautama Buddha required an entire lifetime to attain Nirvana. I had time; Quinnism wasn’t dead, I realized, just incipient!

I woke up Tuesday morning, went to the gym and whaled on my pecs, alive again, and hungry, knowing I had to man-up. I began with a reckoning:

* I realized I’d been mean to Jeff, and needed to apologize—so what if he wears lipstick, so what if he wears dresses—he’s still a person! I resolved to treat him better.

* I realized I’d mentioned seventy-one players in my last column, but that only forty-two of my recommendations were on point. Nineteen were flat-out wrong, and ten were a push. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t going to inspire people to proclaim me a deity— I could do even better. I decided I’d do more research, change the column’s format, and rock the fantasy football world!

So here are the changes:

1. I’m making my recommendations by position rather than by game. It just makes sense: you come to my column with a need at 12:58 on Sunday, you’ve waited until the very last-minute, one of your players has a bye, and you need to know who to start in his place, but you don’t have the time to scan a whole column of recommendations arranged by game… never fear, my budding Quinnians! I’ve got your back!  Positionally grouped recommendations!

2. I’ve changed my rating system. What the hell is an RB2? A WR3? A QB17? From now on, I’m rating players on a scale of Jeffs, because Jeff rocks my socks and I need to make amends for revealing his cross-dressing and questionable musical taste to the world. One Jeff means a player is worth a gamble, two Jeffs signify that he’s solid, three Jeffs make him a strong play, and four Jeffs means ‘start him and grin.’[4]

So lets let the good times roll! And Mr. Myers, don’t give up on me yet; fame, fortune, and a Lear jet are on the way.


[1] Never one to waste time, I practiced the sagacious phrases I’d bestow upon my followers: “I’m just a man,” “I’ll make your fantasy a reality, Baby-doll,” and “All I do is leverage synergistic sabermetrics by employing strategically specific algorithmic equations that maximize optimal outcomes.”

[2] The first was a complimentary note from a DFW colleague; the second was a threatening missive from a transvestite Epicurean with questionable musical taste (also a colleague); the third author claimed he was a see-through cetacean; I wrote the fourth myself in a fit of despair.

[3] Cue Rocky theme.

[4] Because who among us wouldn’t equate four cross-dressing Yanni fans with the pinnacle of desirability?

                                                        

 

QB

 

Start

Matty Hasselbeck

Guess who’s coming to town… yes, that’d be the purple people who’re sad because they aren’t the Bears. And, yes, yes they do lead the league in fantasy football points surrendered to QBs. I know you only have 1.5 actual WRs to throw to, and .75 of an RB, but you’re still a better bet than the Sanchize.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Peyton Manning

It’s going to be shootout, and the Pats… while, their secondary is still figuring things out.

P.S. Mr. Manning, Sir, if you’d like to become an archangel in a religion, Quinnism has a spot for you.

Rating: 3 Jeffs (Damn, that’s a lot of Revlon)

Philip Rivers

            Playing the Saints defense right now is a bit like your wife giving you a hall pass and telling you to “get silly.”

Rating: 4 Jeffs

Alex Smith

            I’m doubling down on the eternal disappointment as he’s playing the 8th most generous defense to QBs (Buffalo). Plus, he doesn’t wear lipstick or dresses.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Christian Ponder

            I know, he burned us last week. I promise you this guy is on the rise. Get him. Keep him. Cherish him like Jeff cherishes his best of Michael Bolton CD. By the way, the Titans defense has been playing more like they were Lilliputians: they’ve allowed the 9th most fantasy points to QBs.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Andrew Luck

Can you say “garbage time”?

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Sit 

Cam Newton

The Hawks have pretty much kept opposing QBs bottled up.

Eli Manning

            Even though there isn’t a single trailer hitch left in the City of Cleveland with any chrome left on it (on account of the Browns out-sucking most industrial power vacuums), the Browns have kept opposing QBs more or less under wraps, fantasy-wise.

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Two words: The 49ers.

Jay Cutler

            Don’t be suckered in by last week’s performance, he’s still the Windy City F***tard. Make him put together back-to-back solid starts before you hitch your wagon to him. Also, Jacksonville’s been pretty rough on QBs.

RB

Start

 

Matt Forte

He’s going to get his against a suspect run defense.

 

Rating: 3 Jeffs

 

Cedric Benson

            The Colts rush defense is wack, yo.

 

Rating: 3 Jeffs

 

Ryan Mathews

            If Jackie Battle gets more touches than him this week, I’ll borrow Jeff’s lipstick and let my colleagues at DFW put a photograph of me wearing it up on the site. Also, this just in: the Saints couldn’t stop an eighty year-old with a walker.

 

Rating: 4 Jeffs (Holy cow! Covergirl’s stock just went up three points.)

 

Ryan Williams

            He hasn’t prove anything yet, but the talent combined with this matchup… I’m willing to take a chance.

 

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

 

Sit

 

C.J. Spiller

            Two more words: The 49ers.

 

MJD

            The Bears defense doesn’t surrender much to RBs, and with exactly zero other threats, they’ll have 8 in the box.

 

Chris Johnson

            Don’t be swayed by a single game. The purple people are tough against the run.

 

Rashard Mendenhall

            He’s coming off major surgery, and the Iggles are solid against the run.

WR

 

Start

 

Demaryius Thomas

            He won’t appear here again. Always, always, always start him. The man is more explosive than Uncle Ted on taco night. And the Pats defense gives up hella-points to WRs.

Rating: 4 Jeffs

Eric Decker

            Bromance at its finest. Mr. Decker, if Peyton affiliates himself with Quinnism, I’ll make you an honorary apostle.

Rating: 3 Jeffs.

Kenny Britt

            Yes, he’s dumb as rocks, and even more immature, but he’s a talented moron. If he plays, the purple people are liable to give up boku points to WRs, so give him a flyer.

Rating: 2 Jeffs

Malcom Floyd

            Wow, the Saints are inept.

Rating: 2.5 Jeffs

Andre Johnson

            Reevis Island has been shut down for repairs. Please proceed to the endzone at your leisure.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Sit 

DeSean Jackson

            I’ve told you already that I don’t like the guy, but now Maclin’s back, and the Steelers are miserly when it comes to allowing WRs to score fantasy points.

Dwayne Bowe

            The Ravens are stingy, and Bowe lacks the mental toughness to stay focused in difficult situations.

Stevie Johnson

            Don’t mess with the 49ers defense. Just don’t.

TE

 

Start 

Kyle Rudolph

            Feed the beast. The Lilliputians allow the second most fantasy points to TEs.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Colby Fleener

            The wedge heads give it up to TEs like it’s their job.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Owen Daniels

            He’s been hot lately, and the Jets are vulnerable to TEs.

Rating: 3 Jeffs

Ben Watson

            I know, I just recommended you start a Brown. I’m a little stunned, too, frankly. The G-men are 7th worst at defending TEs, and the game will likely involve a lot of passing.

Rating: 2 Jeffs

Sit 

Brent Celek

            Pittsburgh is going to shut him down.

Scott Chandler

            The Bills are playing the 49ers, get it?

Martellus Bennett

            Cleveland actually stops TEs, believe it or not.