Trumpbron


The Tale of Team Trump: Making Fantasy Football Great Again


By Shaun Laibe, DFW Writer @Shaunlaibe

 


Chapter 1 – Meeting “The Donald”


It all started on a rainy night in Cincinnati.  I had gone out to dinner with some friends and was walking to my car when a man appeared out of nowhere. Before I knew what happened, the man had hit me over the back of the head and I fell unconscious.  When I came to, I found myself in the backseat of a car that smelled of rich mahogany.  I quickly realized that I had just been abducted by Donald J. Trump.

trump

“What’s your name?”, Trump asked.

I replied sheepishly, “S-S-Shaun”.

“Shaun, huh?  That’s a stupid name” he said.  “Let me tell you, Shaun, I love winning.  I’m great at winning because I never lose.  And when I lose, I really actually win.  With all of the winning I do, I have never won a fantasy football league.  The sport can never truly be great until I win at it.  In other words, I need your help to make fantasy football great again.”

Feeling as if I had heard these words before, I asked, “Donald, how in the [email protected]$! am I going to do that?”.   Moments later, I felt another whack to the back of my head and was out cold once more.

The next morning I woke up on the living room floor.   “What happened to me?”  I wondered aloud.  “Did I just dream the whole thing?”  I must have.   No way did Donald Trump kidnap me last night and actually tell me he was going to ‘make fantasy football great again’.

Later that day, the nightmare continued.  I received a phone call from my fantasy league commissioner, Johnny.  Johnny was raving like a lunatic and told me that he just got off the phone with Donald Trump — Trump wanted into our fantasy league.   Many of us would jump at the opportunity, but we are in the middle of the 2016 Presidential election and Johnny is a staunch Democrat.  He would have no part of a league that included Donald Trump or anyone that supported him for that matter.

Sadly, that was the last time I ever spoke with Johnny.  Reportedly, he went to the store that same day and never returned home.  A few weeks later, the search for Johnny was officially called off and Donald Trump was in the league.

donald squints

 


Chapter 2 – The Demand


About a week before draft, Donald Trump showed up unannounced at my doorstep.   I had taken over the commissioner duties since Johnny’s disappearance, and Trump obviously needed me for something.  I could feel it.

“Shaun, I want to tell you how great you have been for stepping up for that lousy guy, Johnny.  He sucked.  You are a much better commissioner, maybe even the best.  Nobody knows that more than I do.”,  Trump said.

dt

Losing patience with the Trump’s ass kissing, I asked, “What do you want, Donald?”

“You need to give me the first picks”, he said.  “It would be unfair any other way”.

“First pick?”, I asked?  “I can’t do that.  Our league draws names from a hat to determine the first pick, second pick, and so on.”

“Shaun, listen carefully.  Not only are you going to give me the first pick of the draft, you are going to give me the first pick in every round..”, Trump paused momentarily, “..and you’re going to pay my entry fee too.”

Not wanting to take another whack to the back of the head, I agreed,  “Sure, Donald, whatever you need.”   Who am I to question a billionaire on a $50 buy in?

 


Chapter 3 – The Draft


Draft day was finally upon us.  For a 31-year-old man, this is as close as I could get to that Christmas morning feeling that we all had as children.  The tables and chairs were set up in the garage, the burgers and bratwurst were on the grill, the beer was in the fridge, and the wifi signal was going strong.   One by one, my friends arrived and we were ready to set sail on the 2016 draft!

Once everyone was settled, I started to give my “welcome ” speech.  About 20 seconds in, Donald interrupted.

“With the first pick in the draft, Donald J. Trump selects Tom Brady“, Trump said while speaking in the third person.

There were about two seconds of silence followed by a burst of laughter by everyone in the room.  None of us claim to be fantasy football experts, but we do know that Tom Brady was FINALLY going to serve a 4-game suspension for ‘Deflategate’.   He is not even close to being best fantasy QB, let alone the #1 pick of the entire draft.

Trump was clearly not amused with the mockery.   His glare scared the hell out of me, so I quickly got up and ran to the bathroom.  I rinsed my face with cold water, took a piss, then walked back toward the draft garage.  Before I got to the door, I heard some muffled screams.  I thought it was just my imagination, but once I returned to the garage, I realized that the situation had turned from bad to worse.  All of my friends were gone.

trump sucks

I suddenly found myself surrounded by a rather suspicious group of people.   From left to right, I was staring into the faces of Chris Christie, Justin Bieber, David Duke, O.J. Simpson, Martin Shkreli, Josh Duggar, Draymond Green, and Bernie freaking Sanders.  Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin couldn’t make the trip, so we had to Skype them in.

“What in the heck is going on, Donald?”, I asked.  “Where are my friends?  What is Bernie Sanders doing here!?!”

O.J. Simpson was the first to speak.  “Chill bro, we’re your new league mates.  Let’s not do anything we might regret here.”

oj

The irony in O.J.’s statement was that it actually added a voice of reason to the conversation.  I really just wanted to draft my team and get on with it.   With that, I calmly sat down, opened my computer and downed the rest of my beer.  I am not sure what they put in my drink, but whatever it was knocked me out cold just moments later.

 


Chapter 4 – Team Trump


When I woke up, I felt like I’d been hit with a tranquilizer.  The draft was over and my team was set.  I actually ended up with a very nice squad including the likes of Aaron Rodgers, Julio Jones, Dez Bryant, Amari Cooper, Adrian Peterson, Lamar Miller, Ezekiel Elliott, and Travis Kelce.  The ADP didn’t make a lick of sense, but needless to say, I didn’t complain.

Donald gave his team the name of Team Trump, go figure, and it rounded out rather uniquely to say the least.

donald choke

Team Trump

Starters:

  • QB – Tom Brady
  • WR1 – Julian Edelman
  • WR2 – Danny Amendola
  • WR3 – Chris Hogan
  • RB1 – Rex Burkhead
  • RB2 – Toby Gerhart
  • TE – Rob Gronkowski
  • K – Stephen Gostkowski
  • DEF – New England Patriots

Bench:

  • QB – Mark Sanchez
  • QB – Johnny Manziel
  • WR – Eric Decker
  • WR – Jordy Nelson
  • WR – Riley Cooper
  • RB – Zach Zenner
  • K – Cairo Santos
  • K – Adam Vinatieri
  • K – Sebastian Janikowski

Trump was extremely proud with the diversity of his team, thus declaring himself the winner of the draft.  I wanted to tell him nobody actually wins or loses at the draft, but more than anything, I really just wanted Donald Trump to get out of my house.

 


Chapter 5 – The Season 


At long last, the season was upon us.  With my friends all now missing, the league was a shell of its former self.  I wasn’t about to let that stop me from going for a championship.  I have been a member of this league for 8 years, but my team, McDynasty, has never won the dang thing.  This was my year!

Week 1:

Team Trump vs. Cheeseburgers in Paradise (Chris Christie)

Team Trump dialed up a big week.  Fresh off of the reversed decision of a suspension, Tom Brady shredded the Jets, throwing 5 TDs, three to Edelman and two to Gronkowski.

Results Team Trump – 136;     Cheeseburgers in Paradise – 98

Week 2:

Team Trump vs. Glove didn’t fit (O.J. Simpson)

trump oj

Team Trump had another good week.  Brady threw for six more TDs, all of which went to Gronkowski.  O.J. hasn’t been able to update his team since the initial draft.  I wonder why?

Results:   Team Trump – 145;     Glove didn’t fit – 72

Weeks 3-8:

The next five weeks were much of the same.  Tom Brady continued his record-setting pace and Team Trump rolled right along. Maybe he was onto something with this super stacking strategy?   After all, Team Trump was off to an 8-0 start.   My team was doing very good as well, at 6-2.

Week 9 would be the test, however, as I would finally be matched up against Team Trump.

Week 9:

Team Trump vs. McDynasty

This was the week I had been waiting for.  I wanted revenge for my 11 missing friends. I wanted to beat Donald Trump!  The Patriots were on their bye week and I was ready to roll over Team Trump.

Instead, Mark Sanchez threw 3 TDs to Demaryius Thomas and ran for 2 more.  Cairo Santos booted 7 FGs as well.  “Nobody loves Hispanics more than Donald Trump!”, Trump proclaimed.

ResultsTeam Trump beat me by 1 point, 111-110.

President Trump

On November 8th, Donald J. Trump crushed Hillary Clinton in the General Election with help from the Vice President, a newly converted Republican, Bernie Sanders.   In just a few short weeks, Donald Trump will be inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States.  Fortunately for me, the fantasy season will be over by then.

bernie

Weeks 10-13:

The last weeks of the regular season came and went.  As the Patriots rolled on, so did Team Trump, dominating the competition and finishing the season undefeated.  Trump proclaimed that his team “must be the greatest”.

 


Chapter 6 – The Playoffs


Trump’s undefeated season garnered the top seed in our 4-team playoff.  My team finished 9-4 and got the second seed.  Bernie Sanders secured the third seed, while Draymond Green just barely made it into the fourth spot.

Semifinals:

McDynasty vs. Don’t Stop Feelin the Bern (Bernie Sanders)

Even after Trump made Bernie Sanders his VP, Sanders was still fighting about something against anybody who would listen.  He was kind of like my Great Grandfather in that way.

Results:  McDynasty – 143;     Don’t Stop Feelin the Bern – 93

Team Trump vs.  Natural Movements (Draymond Green)

Trump was not to be denied of the Championship game.  He kicked Draymond in the nuts and advanced

ResultsTeam Trump – 144;     Natural Movements – 97.

Championship Game:

 Team Trump vs. McDynasty

The wait was over.  I had my second chance to beat Team Donald and win the league championship once and for all!

“Donald, when I win this match-up, I want you gone from my league forever.   Oh.  And my friends.  I want them back too.”

“Shaun, you haven’t been paying attention. I am going to win and I am going to win big!  Nobody wins bigger than Donald Trump.”

“Whatever, Donald”, I thought to myself.

About midway through the early Sunday games, a miracle happened.  The Patriots had benched Brady and the other starters.  With 90% of Trump’s team made up of Patriots, I was assured victory!

That was until I checked the league web page and noticed there had been a change in the scoring settings.   Under the new rules, a team can now play 4 kickers!   Team Trump has exactly four kickers… I wonder who made the change?  With the new rules, Trump took advantage of a record setting game by Cairo Santos, who kicked 9 FGs.  As a result, my team was doomed and Team Donald went on to win the championship.

ResultsTeam Trump 127;     McDynasty – 126.

I was enraged.  Furious.  Pissed off even.  This was my championship and Trump stole it from me!  I was going to go crazy when I saw him, but unfortunately I would never get the chance.  Trump’s security team grabbed me on my way to the Trump Tower and I landed myself in the newly established Trump Jail.

In the eyes of Trump, he had won and fantasy football was finally great again.  I was fine with end result.  Trump Jail was not so bad after all.  I was finally reunited with my missing friends, including the former commissioner, Johnny.  We had unlimited internet access and were even fed one delicious Trump Taco Salad per day.  And better yet, we could finally have our old league back!

trump taco bowl